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Saturday, 07 November 2009
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Currently
Black Holes and Revelations
By Muse
see relateddon't waste your time or time will waste you
i love all the djs on my favorite radio station. one guy mentioned a ben folds song that i love. starts with "i met this girl she looked like axle rose." he mentioned how one song he heard reminded him of that song and he wanted to play it but kept forgetting to bring it in. i yelled at the radio. "play ben folds! yes!"
the moon is only half-full, but it's beautiful and sort of golden colored. i drove back from mom's tonight. Knights of Cydonia played on the radio (from which i have taken the title). i always forget how good a band Muse is.
Mom had an itunes gift card lying around that my dad gave her for christmas two years ago and she never has used and probably never will use. she said "do you want this?" and i said okay. it reminded me that i wanted to buy the latest Muse cd and i haven't because i've been being smart with my money.
in japanese this morning i was sneezing like crazy. the other two students were asking me if i was okay. "are you allergic to cats? i have a cat." no, i said, i'm allergic to the universe. i drove home afterward, ate lunch, took a benadryl, and fell asleep on the couch. i only woke up because the phone rang. it was the lady from the japanese society telling me that i have to give them more money if i want to keep taking the class.
i have stopped sneezing, but i feel like going to sleep. i haven't yet, though.
it's cold out. winter is coming. time is moving on and i am not getting to do half the things i need to do, or want to do, or should do. this is life.
my boss finally got a work laptop, after having been promised one for the last few years. he would have been more happy about that if it didn't mean he had to work all weekend from home. he and frank spent most of the week working on a project, only to find that it was all wrong because some of the data they'd been given was wrong. i helped him with it most of thursday and friday (frank was off, in atlantic city with his wife) but it still wasn't finished and so he was going to be working all weekend.
i haven't gotten a lot of my ordinary work done because of this thing. life is insane. any day now, he's going to have a heart attack.
i went to the heart doctor on wednesday. they did an ekg and took my blood pressure and pulse and all that and he said that it's probably nothing but he wants me to do more tests (which are scheduled for next week) and get blood work. i was supposed to go on date number three after that but i didn't have time because the appointment ran late. so i texted him and said i didn't think i'd make it. he said that was okay we could do it the next day.
thursday is usually yoga day. so i told margaret that i wasn't going to yoga because i was going to the movies. "oh," she said, "with friends?" with...someone, i said, and she said "ahhh."
so i was outside with nancy and the nurse lady walked by who is usually at the yoga with us and she asked if i was coming and i said no i can't i have something to do. and so nancy wanted to know what i was doing and i said i was going to the movies because i was supposed to go the day before and she said with who and i told her. "oh, really?" she said and i said yes and mentioned that this was date number three. "i didn't know that!" she said. "why didn't you tell me??"
i don't know why i didn't. i guess i just didn't. i don't know. i only told shereza because i wanted clothing advice. and so now everyone asks (and by everyone, i mean shereza, margaret, and nancy) how is it going? do you like him? what have you done? and i say "i don't know."
what do you mean you don't know? they ask and i just shrug and say i don't know. i don't really feel anything. or maybe i do and i am in denial. sometimes it takes a while for me to get in touch with my emotions and sometimes i am blocking them without really thinking about blocking them.
i think that the "i don't know" part is why i didn't tell anyone about it. because i knew they would ask that question and i don't know how to answer it. they would say "do you like him?" and i don't know how to answer it because i just don't know.
and then i think maybe i am just blocking the part of my brain that can get close to people because i really don't want to get hurt again.
i came to a revelation the other day. until i was in college, i never really knew anyone that died. my grandparents and aunts and uncles were all alive until i was in college. then my uncle died, and then my other uncle and then other people and now i've known quite a few. and i knew people (my ex in particular) who had lost people, who had lost parents and i thought that i was somehow being sheltered from this loss, that i should have experienced it before. this added to my whole belief in not complaining about my life, because there is always someone who has it much worse. this was proof. i hadn't lost anyone. i was much better off than anyone else. i felt guilty complaining to my ex about little problems because, hey, at least my mother and father were (and are) still alive! what right did i have to complain about not getting along with my mother? at least i had a mother.
(i would like to add here, for the record, that this feeling was of my own creation. we never had any arguments that went in that direction, and when i once voiced that feeling, my ex told me that it was unfair (to myself) of me to think that, because it wasn't true).
it's only recently that i came to the revelation that even though no one i knew had passed from the mortal plane, i had in fact lost people. i had lost friends who moved away or randomly (to my mind, anyway) abandoned me. and in a way those losses are more painful than death. death (unless it's suicide) is not a choice. death is something that comes between two people and separates them. but when a friendship ends for some other reason, it ends because someone has made a conscious choice not to keep in contact with the other person. that is far more hurtful. it's one thing to know that you will never see someone ever again because they are dead, and another thing to know that someone is still alive but has no interest in seeing you or interacting with you ever again.
so i did lose people. i've lost a lot of people. and so maybe i'm blocking the part of my emotions that feel things about other people because if i get close to them they will leave.
well. on that depressing note, i think i'm going to bed.
Friday, 30 October 2009
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a (man) who leads a life of danger...
i came home a half-hour ago to find something going on on the football field nearby. there is a band (which is now playing "Secret Agent Man," from which i have borrowed this title). There were fireworks a short while ago (which shocked the crap out of me because i was not expecting them!). I have no idea what the point of this is or why it is happening. but there it is.
it has been a busy week. tuesday i had a doctor's appointment. i am not dying. except, maybe, i am. apparently the blood-taking people were not crazy, and i actually do have an irregular heartbeat. so the first doctor wants me to go to the second doctor.
wednesday, i went on date number two. it was just about the same as date number one. we watched a movie which was not terrific but not awful, laughed at it for a good portion of the movie, and then went home. so far, no plans to have a third date, but i would not be surprised. i am not really feeling anything, but it's fun and it's kind of nice knowing that someone actually wants to date me. that's never really happened.
the band is now playing that song that i know but i don't know the name of or who does it and i don't understand the words of so i can't type them into a search engine.
wednesday i called the hair lady so now i have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow. i probably will not do anything drastic, just have a trim. the last time i had my hair cut was in august, when i was on vacation, so i suppose i am due.
thursday i called the second doctor to get an appointment, which will be next wednesday. i also went to yoga. nancy asked me "what are you doing on december 19th?" and i said i had no idea. so she asked me to babysit so she can go to a wedding. i think i might have panicked for a half-second but i said yes. i hope i do not regret this. i am already wondering. i never actually babysat anyone before.
today was her husband's last day working for the temp agency for the same company as us. now he is back to job-hunting, only this time without working at the same time. they are moving to a new apartment a few blocks away but in the same complex because their new neighbors are jerks.
now the band is playing "werewolves of london." i think the original artist is named warren zevon.
my boss and nancy's boss are both applying for the job of their former boss (who was fired). they are spending a lot of time in meetings with important people and doing special projects for important people. matt was freaking out like crazy for a while and i thought he was going to have a heart attack, but now he seems to be doing better. we all expect that frank will get the job but we won't know for a while.
i haven't had dinner yet. i don't particularly feel like cooking, and i don't have anything quick to make. i need to go food shopping again. except i am broke until next pay day.
that is all.
Monday, 19 October 2009
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Questions!! (again)
Because I don't feel like writing anything at the moment, here is a random survey. you're not supposed to lie!
Did i? ::shrug::
1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
Straw.
2. Where was your profile picture taken?
my parents' backyard.
3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
Yep. I only have once, though.
4. Name someone who made you laugh today.
The DJ on the radio.
5. What time did you go to bed and why?
ten thirty-ish. because that's my bedtime. i had to get up this morning.
6. If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Sure.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Not that I can recall. I don't think so, because I think we were watching the fireworks.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
Nancy. She's only two towns away.
9. Do you believe exes can be friends?
I guess. I'm friends with mine on facebook, if that counts.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
I don't drink soda. But I hate Dr. Pepper. I have to deal with it for work, and let me tell you it is a headache and a half. I could explain, but you would fall asleep.
11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
When I broke up with my ex, i think.
12. Who took your profile picture?
Me
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
myself, i think. I don't often take pictures of people.
14. Was yesterday better than today?
Oh, hell yeah. Yesterday was sunday.
15. Can you live a day without TV?
Yes, as long as I have one or more of the following: internet, books, paper & pencil (or pen), or something else to do.
16. Are you upset about anything?
Grr. My job sucks. ::shrug:: Nah, not feeling it.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Depends.
18. Are you a bad influence?
I don't think so.
19. Night out or night in?
Depends on what I'm doing in or out. Sometimes in is better.
20. What items could you not go without during the day?
Well, if I had to go to work, i need my Ipod or else i'm forced to listen to mindless conversation. and i need the computer or else i can't do work.
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
I never have! This astonishes me.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
It's a status update from one of my facebook friends about how she lives at the car dealership.
23. How do you feel about your life right now?
I am plunging headfirst into the future.
24. Do you hate anyone?
No, I'm too lazy.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find?
A message.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass?
Yes. Unless caffeine counts.
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Only when they were mad at me.
28. What song is stuck in your head?
"Perfect Mistake," by Sheryl Crow, because it was on the car radio.
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
Um.... I pretty much would like it if this didn't happen, but if it did, i would hope it was someone who really needed my help.
30. Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
Grandkids? Jeez. That's probably not gonna happen, since I'm already 28 and I don't have any kids. If i get pregnant tomorrow, my kid will be 18 when I'm 47. If she (he) gets (someone) pregnant before they're 21, then I will. But I'm fairly certain that I won't be pregnant in the next three years. And 50 is kinda young (in my opinion) to be a grandma.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow.
Go to work. Also, make a doctor's appointment.
Sunday, 18 October 2009
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my desktop
no, i did not take the picture. it was one of the ones that came with the computer.
(inspired by this post.)
Saturday, 17 October 2009
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Currently
White Ladder
By David Gray
Babylon
see relatedsee it twinklin in your eye...gotta try
on thursday, it snowed. it was cloudy in the morning, very dark and gloomy. i went to work. at nine thirty i got a voicemail from my boss, who was on a vacation day. he said he forgot to put his out of office message on his computer, and so could i do it for him? so i did, and then i shut it down again.
a little while after that, his boss came by asking about a file or something like that. i had no idea what he was talking about. so he called my boss and asked him about it and then my boss called and told me to go looking for the file on his computer.
so i did and i found it and emailed it to him at home, then called him to tell him i had emailed it. he said that these were no good and we'd have to redo the whole thing (by we he meant I). so he talked me through the project and i did one step at a time and then sent it to him so he could see what i was doing and blah blah blah. i ended up spending a good portion of the day on the thing. i guess it was around eleven that i called him and he said he was out but he would look at the file when he got back home, and oh yeah, it was sleeting. he ranted for a few minutes about how it shouldn't be sleeting and blah blah blah because it was only october.
at around 12 nancy came by. she and her husband (who works in the office now, too) were going to this irish pub for lunch, did i want to come? so i said okay. it was cold and raining. we went to the restaurant, had some pretty good food, then drove back. as we were driving, nancy said "look at those raindrops (on the windshield). they're so big and splotchy, they look like snow!"
"matt said it was sleeting by him," i said. her husband, scott, said "it's just big fat raindrops."
the parking lot was major crowded, so we dropped scott at the door (he has a shorter lunch than we do and he was already late getting back because we had to stop for a train). as he got out, he said "you know what, it is snowing."
we had to park on almost the other side of the huge parking lot, and when we got out of the car, we could see that it was definitely snow, not rain. there were puddles all over the ground, which wasn't anywhere close to frozen (we'd only had first frost a few days earlier) and so there was no chance of it sticking at all, but it was still coming down pretty heavy.
of course, i was not wearing a coat, only a sweater. and of course i had not brought my umbrella in. and of course i was wearing really thin shoes which are mostly cloth (and falling apart) so my feet were soaked. and of course the air conditioning was going on and off all day in the office.
i finished the project and called matt to tell him i was done. i think when he answered the phone i said "good morning. i'm done!"
he said, "great. except it's two thirty in the afternoon, and it's SNOWING!"
"i know," i said. "i was just out in it. isn't it great?"
friday morning the a/c was on. friday afternoon the heat was blasting. i don't know how to dress for work anymore!!
amazingly, i haven't gotten sick yet. knock on wood, cross my fingers, whatever other superstitious things i'm supposed to do here.
the title of this entry is taken from "fugitive" by David Gray. it's from his new album, which i do not yet own, which i do not know the name of. it was the free starbucks song of the week a few weeks ago.
leaflesstree
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- Name: Turquoise
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 12/8/2007
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