Saturday, 14 July 2012

• Meanderings

  Nothing much of interest to report today. Here is a meandering meander of thoughts.

  Friday at work was boring. I accomplished a bunch but it was very boring stuff that I accomplished. Miraculously the Loud People did not annoy me, but that only served to make things even more boring. Seriously, I'm yawning now just thinking about it.
  

  Friday night I went home and there was a ginormous insect of some sort in the garbage can in my bathroom. I freaked for a bit and then remembered my vacuum so sucked it up. Woo-hoo.
  

  A few weeks back, I put the AC in my bedroom and thus saved both myself and Squirt from death-by-heat-wave. However, there was a teensy gap between the AC and the windowsill, which I suppose was just enough to allow insects to enter, because since then there has been an influx of flies in the apartment. Last night for some reason there was like 6 or seven, all clustered around the light fixture on the ceiling. I was a madwoman, swinging around my broom and whacking them as they flew by. Killed a couple.
  

  Convinced myself to go to bed, but by that point I was so worked up that it was hard to relax and sleep. Woke up at nine to use the bathroom, fed the cat, gave him fresh water, and went back to sleep. Didn't wake up again until 12:30, and still had that nervous stomach anxious feeling that makes it hard to do anything.
  

  There were still a bunch of flies in the bedroom. I discovered the best way to kill them is to wait for them to land on the window between the glass and the blinds and then whack them with the broom while they can't escape easily. Good news, I killed a bunch more. Bad news, now there are fly guts on my windows and fly corpses on my window sill. Ick.
  

  Will need to vacuum them up tomorrow. As for today, I went out almost as soon as I woke up, got some brunch and a frappuccino at Starbucks, and went to Mom's.
  

  I kept feeling the physical manifestations of anxiety while I was at Mom's. I put my head down on the table while she was making dinner and Mom said something about maybe I should go home soon if I was already that tired, and so I confessed that I wasn't tired, I was just kind of anxious. "What are you anxious about?" she asked, and I said it was just generally. And sort of still about the mouse. Everyone says to me, "I thought the cat took care of the mouse," and I say, "well, yes." But there's still the fact that my living room (and the whole of the apartment save perhaps the bedroom, to be honest) are triggers for that anxiety now, because my mind still associates being in that room with the somewhat irrational panic attacks I had when I saw the mouse.
  

  It's probably going to take me a while to be okay with doing anything more than walking through the living room to the kitchen or bedroom. In daytime.
  

  I might be a little better about this if I was living with someone, or if someone were to come to the apartment and hang out with me and say, "See? It's all good." But there isn't anyone that does that. My mother mentioned perhaps one day after it gets a little cooler, coming up to meet Squirt, but otherwise she has no interest in coming up to see me. Brother was even more terrified of the mouse than I was - he didn't even want to go in the apartment at all. And other people that I've told have simply told me that I'm silly for being afraid of the mouse in the first place. Which I know I am but doesn't make that panicky fear go away.
  

  And then people keep telling me these stories about times they saw mice in the past. Frank was in the garage and one ran up his arm. Somebody else had them in their basement or kitchen or whatever. They don't mention having panic attacks at the sight of them and being afraid to sleep like I am. I feel pathetic. I feel like I can't manage to be an adult and maybe I should move back in with my parents. :P
  

  But anyway.
  

  I stuffed a towel between the A/C and the window as a temporary measure and when I arrived home this evening there was no swarm of insects hovering around the lamp - only one lone fly that somehow must have survived the massacre. Squirt was quite pleased to see me now that I am no longer swinging a broom around like a madwoman. Mom gave me some of that foam stuff that you're supposed to squeeze between the window and the AC, so I will stuff it in there tomorrow.
  

  Okay.
  

  In other news, Random OK Cupid Guy #5 and I have made plans to meet up next weekend, in the city, on Saturday afternoon. We plan to hang out, get some food, and then go to a string concert in Brooklyn. We've been emailing back and forth for a bit, and sharing some creative pursuits. He's a musician, so he gave me his website where I could listen to his music (good stuff!) and I sent him the first (?) part of my novel-in-progress, which he replied back this evening saying he really liked!
  

  Yay. :)
  

  So, I'm doing okay. Tonight, I'm going to take a Benadryl, then watch some anime on my laptop and go to bed. Does anyone know of any safe, over-the-counter, non prescription or herbal type stuff that helps with anxiety? I sometimes take Benadryl just to help me sleep, but I know that's not really what it's supposed to be used for. I have at various points considered returning to therapy but even then I don't think I need something that's strong and prescription-y because I don't think this is quite that serious. I know people who have taken Melatonin to help sleep, but is there a general, mild, calming thing out there? Other than chamomile tea, of course.
  

  Anyway. That's all for tonight. Tomorrow I will maybe post some things I have drawn and stuff, which I was originally thinking I might do today but did not. Oh well. Happy Weekend, folks. 

   

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