Saturday, 07 November 2009

• Currently Black Holes and Revelations By Muse see related

  don't waste your time or time will waste you

  i love all the djs on my favorite radio station. one guy mentioned a ben folds song that i love. starts with "i met this girl she looked like axle rose." he mentioned how one song he heard reminded him of that song and he wanted to play it but kept forgetting to bring it in. i yelled at the radio. "play ben folds! yes!"
  
  the moon is only half-full, but it's beautiful and sort of golden colored. i drove back from mom's tonight. Knights of Cydonia played on the radio (from which i have taken the title). i always forget how good a band Muse is.
  
  Mom had an itunes gift card lying around that my dad gave her for christmas two years ago and she never has used and probably never will use. she said "do you want this?" and i said okay. it reminded me that i wanted to buy the latest Muse cd and i haven't because i've been being smart with my money.
  
  in japanese this morning i was sneezing like crazy. the other two students were asking me if i was okay. "are you allergic to cats? i have a cat." no, i said, i'm allergic to the universe. i drove home afterward, ate lunch, took a benadryl, and fell asleep on the couch. i only woke up because the phone rang. it was the lady from the japanese society telling me that i have to give them more money if i want to keep taking the class.
  
  i have stopped sneezing, but i feel like going to sleep. i haven't yet, though.
  
  it's cold out. winter is coming. time is moving on and i am not getting to do half the things i need to do, or want to do, or should do. this is life.
  
  my boss finally got a work laptop, after having been promised one for the last few years. he would have been more happy about that if it didn't mean he had to work all weekend from home. he and frank spent most of the week working on a project, only to find that it was all wrong because some of the data they'd been given was wrong. i helped him with it most of thursday and friday (frank was off, in atlantic city with his wife) but it still wasn't finished and so he was going to be working all weekend.
  
  i haven't gotten a lot of my ordinary work done because of this thing. life is insane. any day now, he's going to have a heart attack.
  
  i went to the heart doctor on wednesday. they did an ekg and took my blood pressure and pulse and all that and he said that it's probably nothing but he wants me to do more tests (which are scheduled for next week) and get blood work. i was supposed to go on date number three after that but i didn't have time because the appointment ran late. so i texted him and said i didn't think i'd make it. he said that was okay we could do it the next day.
  
  thursday is usually yoga day. so i told margaret that i wasn't going to yoga because i was going to the movies. "oh," she said, "with friends?" with...someone, i said, and she said "ahhh."
  
  so i was outside with nancy and the nurse lady walked by who is usually at the yoga with us and she asked if i was coming and i said no i can't i have something to do. and so nancy wanted to know what i was doing and i said i was going to the movies because i was supposed to go the day before and she said with who and i told her. "oh, really?" she said and i said yes and mentioned that this was date number three. "i didn't know that!" she said. "why didn't you tell me??"
  
  i don't know why i didn't. i guess i just didn't. i don't know. i only told shereza because i wanted clothing advice. and so now everyone asks (and by everyone, i mean shereza, margaret, and nancy) how is it going? do you like him? what have you done? and i say "i don't know."
  
  what do you mean you don't know? they ask and i just shrug and say i don't know. i don't really feel anything. or maybe i do and i am in denial. sometimes it takes a while for me to get in touch with my emotions and sometimes i am blocking them without really thinking about blocking them.
  
  i think that the "i don't know" part is why i didn't tell anyone about it. because i knew they would ask that question and i don't know how to answer it. they would say "do you like him?" and i don't know how to answer it because i just don't know.
  
  and then i think maybe i am just blocking the part of my brain that can get close to people because i really don't want to get hurt again.
  
  i came to a revelation the other day. until i was in college, i never really knew anyone that died. my grandparents and aunts and uncles were all alive until i was in college. then my uncle died, and then my other uncle and then other people and now i've known quite a few. and i knew people (my ex in particular) who had lost people, who had lost parents and i thought that i was somehow being sheltered from this loss, that i should have experienced it before. this added to my whole belief in not complaining about my life, because there is always someone who has it much worse. this was proof. i hadn't lost anyone. i was much better off than anyone else. i felt guilty complaining to my ex about little problems because, hey, at least my mother and father were (and are) still alive! what right did i have to complain about not getting along with my mother? at least i had a mother.
  
  (i would like to add here, for the record, that this feeling was of my own creation. we never had any arguments that went in that direction, and when i once voiced that feeling, my ex told me that it was unfair (to myself) of me to think that, because it wasn't true).
  
  it's only recently that i came to the revelation that even though no one i knew had passed from the mortal plane, i had in fact lost people. i had lost friends who moved away or randomly (to my mind, anyway) abandoned me. and in a way those losses are more painful than death. death (unless it's suicide) is not a choice. death is something that comes between two people and separates them. but when a friendship ends for some other reason, it ends because someone has made a conscious choice not to keep in contact with the other person. that is far more hurtful. it's one thing to know that you will never see someone ever again because they are dead, and another thing to know that someone is still alive but has no interest in seeing you or interacting with you ever again.
  
  so i did lose people. i've lost a lot of people. and so maybe i'm blocking the part of my emotions that feel things about other people because if i get close to them they will leave.
  
  well. on that depressing note, i think i'm going to bed.
  
  

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